When he won't go to bed
Your preschooler is out of bed again asking for his third drink of water of the night.
 
•Too Harsh "I'm going to lock this door so you can't come out again!"
•Too Wimpy "Daddy will lie down with you until you fall asleep."
•Just Right "Let's have one final hug and get tucked in. It's time for sleep."

As frustrating as this is, try not to let your child see that you're annoyed. When he pops out, calmly walk him back to bed -- and don't give him any snacks or read an extra book unless you want to be doing this every night. He probably imagines that all sorts of exciting things are happening after he goes to sleep; when you make his repeat appearances boring and repetitive, they'll eventually stop.

Your toddler is having a tantrum because you turned off the TV, and she kicks you in the shins.
 •Too Harsh "That's it. This time you've gone too far. You can forget about watching television -- ever!"
•Too Wimpy "I know you're upset, but how would you feel if I kicked you?"
•Just Right "You hurt Mommy. Let me know when you have calmed down, and we can talk about why you're upset."

"The right response is probably the opposite of what your instincts are telling you," says Betsy Brown Braun, a child-development and behavior specialist and author of Just Tell Me What to Say. Rather than punishing her for kicking, just walk away (and take the remote with you). Separating yourself is a powerful strategy; you won't stay with her if she hurts you, but you won't let her distract you from the original issue. Later on, remind her that no matter what she's feeling, it's never okay to hurt another person. If you get mad and yell at her instead, there's a good chance you'll feel guilty afterward and may even turn the TV back on.

When she throws a tantrum
It's time for you to go home from a playdate, and your 4-year-old decides to throw a fit.
 
•Too Harsh "Stop that right now or we're never coming back."
•Too Wimpy "We'll stay a little longer."
•Just Right "We'll leave in five minutes. Our next stop is the supermarket -- do you want to ride in a shopping cart, or push a little cart on your own?"

No child likes to end a fun playdate, so give a warning and change the subject to the next activity. "Offering two choices about what to do next will give him some control over what's going on," says Dr. Bailey. Time is a tough concept for kids, so it's helpful to use a visual cue: Hold your hands out far apart to indicate a five-minute warning, then move them closer when there are two minutes left, and put them together when it's time to go.

Your kids are screaming at each other and you can't take it.
•Too Harsh "That's enough! Both of you go to your room this minute!"
•Too Wimpy "Come and tell me what's wrong, and I'll figure out a solution."
•Just Right "I don't know what's going on, and I don't want to know, but if you can't work it out quietly, you both need to leave the room."

This is about the noise, not the arguing (at least they're using their words). "Your goal is not to get involved and not to assign any blame," says Braun. "You simply need to remind them to use their indoor voices or take the screaming outside."

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